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  • Writer's pictureRobert M. Fleisher

Sex and Dating in America

To have a serious discussion on dating and not talk about sex means you are not having a serious discussion. Certainly, there are those who, for one reason or another, are either asexual or without libido, and as such, have no interest in sex. For the other four billion folks, let's talk. Dating and sex has a long history if you count Adam going out with Eve on their first date. To limit our discussion, let's go back a mere seventy to eighty years. Dating was much different back then, especially with regard to sexual behaviors. You just weren't likely having sex on dates. Most women were "saving it for marriage." This sexual morality was pretty much adhered to by most people. If a guy did want to have sex he had three choices: get married, find a prostitute (they've been around forever) or do it yourself. This may be why guys are so "handy" around the house with do it yourself projects. In that era, many women were looking to get out of their parents home and create their own families. Sex was not the priority other than as a means to have children. If a woman wanted sex she had three choices. She could get married or become a prostitute. Then again, she, too, could do it herself. But since it wasn't accepted societally, she usually didn't, thus the reason women aren't as "handy" as men. If boys "did it themselves" they were told they'd go blind. Who knows what they told little girls if they got caught, but it probably bordered on eternal damnation. Sexual modesty and discrete behaviors remained in place until around the Woodstock era. You remember... free love, sex, drugs & rock and roll. All of a sudden someone (most likely a guy) convinced women that sex is good and should be engaged in as often as possible (guys knew that). The culture took it way beyond sex is good and developed an ethos that considered sex with anyone no matter how indiscreet was just fine. Love the One You're With became the dream of every guy, and the women seemed to go along to remain popular. Virginity was no longer a virtue. Perhaps it was Steven Stills who convinced everyone that sex, even with a goat, was a good thing. No longer did horny guys need to get married. No longer did women need a guy to have children. And what did we get? Lots of unwed mothers to be celebrated, lots of single mothers living in poverty, government subsidized everything, lots of drug abuse, rave clubs, plague-like diseases and most important, lots of sex. So who really won the culture war? Obviously the guys. They got all the sex they wanted with no commitment, no responsibility, no bills and no worries. It's not really all that simple, but it helps to understand the historical perspective to comprehend sex and dating in the current age of "enlightenment." If you are sixty years old and above, there are still those who revere sex and what it means to a serious relationship. These are the people who recognize the spiritual importance of a sexual union. The herd is getting thinner and you may have difficulty dating someone who feels the way you do. Many folks want to hop into bed by the second date. You may only find someone who wants to hop into bed on the second date. The old fashioned "wait till marriage" is the new dinosaur. Those younger than sixty will find more partners willing to have sex without commitment. Each younger generation finds more and more dates conforming to the current values of free love. Even teens are engaging in sexual activities that were taboo not so long ago. The question is what are you looking for? Do you just want lots of sex, or do you want a serious, long term relationship. It doesn't have to be marriage, but a complete relationship means you have someone to count on for companionship and sex. You have a partner to stand by you in times of tumult and in times of joy. You have to feel sorry for some groups within the umbrella of American culture. They are sleeping around, living in poverty, contracting an inordinate amount of STDs and changing partners as often as nightly. However, they are having lots of sex and often times many, many children that you end up supporting. If you are looking for more than a "hook up," you need to be implicit and up front with your date. If you discuss sexual issues on your first phone contact, you will save yourself much time. But this should not be your first order of business. At some point in the conversation you can say, "I'm looking for a serious relationship. What are you looking for?" If you meet a person who just wants to hop into bed, you'll figure this out when they stop calling after a second date. That is assuming the first didn''t culminate in sexual union. If your date asks stealth questions on a first date, this should offer a clue as to their intentions: "Are you cool with sex in a relationship?" They now wait to see if you offer clues like, "Sure, after the fifth date." Darn! They might never call back. Inquiring about your sexual interests is not always by stealth. Some dates will come right out and ask, "Are you cool with sex on a first date?" Your answer will determine where you will spend the night. Sex is ever important in many relationships. The lack of sexual engagement has caused many to be frustrated and has destroyed relationships. Sexual tension can actually cause stress and anger making people sick as described in The Sexless Marriage Fix, by Dr. Robert Fleisher and Dr. Roberta Foss-Morgan. For more interesting and unusual dating advice, go to the blog at:

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