Internet Dating - From email to First Phone Call to the Actual First Date

Dating on the Internet is a great way to meet people you'd never meet before!

At this point, you've encountered someone, although only virtually and not in person. You've likely exchanged emails once or a few times, and you're curious about when to proceed to the initial phone conversation.

It all depends on the aggressiveness of the nature of this potential mate. Some people want to jump right to the phone-call stage, while others prefer to feel you out by email before making a more significant commitment. Don’t get flustered; there's nothing wrong with people being cautious and moving along slowly. However, that isn’t always best.

You may want to consider a fast track to the first phone call for a good reason. You don’t

want to become fond of how nice and kind this person is on email, only to find out you

wasted two months to learn that they are a dud and can’t hold a phone conversation.

Also, if you do too much communicating by email or even by phone, you will have less to

discuss at that critical “first date,” making it somewhat awkward when you stare at one

another with nothing to say.

The point here is to see if this person is acceptable for a meeting/date sooner rather than

later. It makes it so much more difficult to tell someone you aren’t interested after you

have been developing an email or a phone relationship for two months.

As a rule of thumb, you should email back and forth no more than two to four times, after

which you should ask for a phone number so that you can speak to one another. You may

even try for the phone number on the first email, and that’s okay.

Some folks are very aggressive and they may contact you, unsolicited, with a short note

of how you seem to be the perfect match, and “Here is my number. Please call if

interested.” While this may seem flattering, they may have sent this very same letter as a

bulk mailing to hundreds of people. Not cool!

Next, you talk on the phone. That's right, you call them or they call you. If it’s magic, i.e.

you talk for hours and can’t wait to call again, then you should meet soon. Again, you

don’t want to get hooked on too many phone calls and find there is no physical chemistry, unless all you want is a phone relationship or a friend.

The goal of the first phone call is to learn something about this other person and share something about yourself, too. All too often, one of the parties dominates because it’s all

about them. You should pick up on this trait, and if it doesn’t appeal to you, end it now.

Others have nothing to say. That’s another reason to say, “Goodbye,” unless you, too, are

a dullard and like watching paint dry with your significant other.

Mundane conversation is not what lets you shine. Drama is king, but telling all about your

woes with your ex is not usually considered cool unless you have a real compassionate

shoulder to cry on. Let the other person talk. This will also apply to the actual first date.

Of course, make sure you nod and go, "Really," at the appropriate times.

It can cost you many thousands of dollars and years of therapy to learn this simple rule:

Keep quiet and let the other person talk. When they pause for your entry, jump in and

show them you were listening by saying something like, “I hear what you’re saying.”

Remember, this is advice from a therapist.

Too little talk is just as bad as too much, so try for balance. If you are a natural,

conversation comes easily. If you lack the personal charm that is seen with great

conversationalists, don’t be afraid to jot down topics you want to discuss: 1-Tell me about

your work. 2-Have you always lived in Miami? 3-Where do you see yourself in five

years? 4-Do you have a close family?

These are good starters, and if you have the list in front of you, it helps you to keep the

conversation going if there are any awkward moments of silence. Just don’t read off the

numbers of each question. That will make you look robotic and stupid at that.

At some point, and hopefully not too long into the conversation, you can state, “How

about if we continue this conversation over coffee?" Choose whatever beverage you like; they all work. If this person feels a good vibe over the phone, they will accept the invitation.

Now, you will find a mutually agreed-upon place to meet. We’ll discuss the first date further next time.