Dating the COVID-19 Virus
Updated: Jul 8, 2021
All the information you needed to meet someone, have a relationship, get married, and divorced, in the space of six months was all contained in Dating Again - A Guide to Dating Just When You Thought You Were Done, available online, at book stores, and there are even some copies in the trunk of my car.
Well, times have changed, and the world has become rather scary. You have no interest in shaking anyones hands. You're afraid to leave the house. You certainly have no interest in going on a date and kissing someone passionately after that first date... and forget about having sex.
Is it really all that dangerous to date, or are there solutions to every problem
If you follow some simple rules, you most certainly can date with just a slight risk that you will die withing two weeks. So here we go...
Talking on the phone and getting ready to date is a no risk behavior. Why not have some prospects lined up for when we can safely leave the house. Some of you are so paralyzed by the pandemic that you wouldn't even consider this option. That's ridiculous. Once we are all clear, you don't want to start the hunt. Do it now while you have all the time in the world working from home on your bosses computer.
If you want to move to the next stage of viral dating, you need to make sure the person is safe. Aside from having them wear a plutonium suite, you need to ask some simple questions. "Are you having any cold or flu symptoms? Do you have a fever? Have you been in contact with anyone outside your home who may be sick or has a fever?
If this person can honestly say they have been isolated for 14 days with enough toilet paper, bottled water and C rations, and didn't leave the house, they are very likely safe for dating.
When you arrive at their house (if you read the book, you'd know that you never go to their house or have them come to yours, but these are trying times so we make the exception) you greet them wearing you N95 rated mask and radiation resistant neoprene gloves. If they look like your type, and you are interested in taking it farther, you now pull out your handy rectal thermometer and ask them to allow you to rule out fever. If their temperature is 98.6 F or less, you can go back to your car, bring in the flowers and popcorn, ask them what they want to watch on Netflix and enjoy the evening.
P.S. If you get back from your car, find the door locked, and they don't answer when you ring, they probably lied about not having left the house. Time to start over with someone who can appreciate your safety measures.